New union......

I think even therapist need to get together to protect each other.

Who's going to come to the rescue when the crazy people come.

Thats why we need the ITU

Someone please explain

I really have no words for this....

Except, like a lot of people, adding "in bed" in the end of a fortune from a fortune cookie.  Comedy that writes itselves right?  But I don't do that of course, I have to be different.  I add "in the cavity that does not see the light of day" until I saw this.......

Rejoice, Tom Criuse, bare chested

Someone's EXCITED!!!!!!!

All the Tom Criuse worshipping, space ship waiting for the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard, Katie Holmes envying, rejoice.

All you catching reruns of Risky Business Cocktail Interview with a Vampire Eyes Wide Shut, REJOICE.

All the peeps with the tubes in your mini fridge at work,  R EJO I CE.

Your god is back, as Stacee Jaxx in Rock of Ages. 

No time for crazy back up

Ever fake crazy to get out of work.  For the non-experience, it's harder then you think.

Things not to do include:

Walking into random walls and calling HR claiming someone is trying to kill you by moving walls in front of you.

Go fishing at work, set up a bucket in the lunch room, complete with rod and bait.

Stink like you only ate bluecheese for the last three months.

The following is the sure fire way to do so safely:

Now, it takes months to make sure everyone knows you are crazy, it's hard work.

1.  Belly chains, on the outside of your shirt.

2.  Eyes wide open, no blinking, does not matter who you are talking to, having lots of make-up helps.

3.  Ask inappropriate questions like a champ.

4.  Leave in the middle of work while telling people you are freaking freaking out.

5.  Ask random people for rides.

Is that an Easter chocolate bunny or some....thing else

I love me some Easter candy. 

Sooooo delightful, biting the heads off of chocolate animals and prebirth chickens.

But look at the thing.

The packaging looks awesome.

The bunny so happy it will soon die a horrible death by being eaten.

Open say wrapper and behold....

This!

I love the rooster sauce. 

I love to tip meat in it. 

I like to spread it on things. 

I love the taste of it.

In order to show my love the sauce, I decided to make my own t-shirt design for the sauce.

Please, let me know what you think?

But it's for the kids!

I just thought of a way to make a ton of extra money. 

Since someone is ALWAYS fund raiser for their kids doing something, I am start a year round fundraiser foundation. 

Which goes into my pocket.

This will be a year round camp for kids who love Karate. 

It will bring smiles to little faces of kids who pretend to know kung fu.

Keep at eye out for the posters to come

Well, you were suspended, but we forgot.

I love my workplace, it feels like I am in the movie Office Space.

I felt like this guy yesterday:

Here's what happened

I was told I was suppose to be suspended without pay from work last week, but it didn't happen. 

Management somehow misplace, forgot, didn't know why or what I did wrong.

When I asked what was it that I did?  Again, the answer was,  uh.......... I am going to have to research that.

Since there are always lessons to be learned, lessons of the day:

Be as lazy as possible, they can't catch you doing anything wrong if you are literally not working.

Keep a job with the most vague job responsibility.  Again, can't catch me doing wrong when the boss don't know what you should be doing.

Who kidnip moldie the toxic mold?

Knowing his ( I assume it's a boy mold) owner is not here to take care of him. 

I decided to make Moldie a set of petri dish cozies to keep it warm. 


When I came back the next day to surprise Moldie, he's gone.  GONE.


I went all over the office looking for him.

Only to find this......

Don't worry, the police has been called, though they did hung up on me.

Hi, my name is Bob, ........and I am an asshole

Hi Bob, it's ok, we are all assholes too.



Welcome to Asshole Anonymous.


When our problems spin out of control and we don't know who to turn to. 

Now there's help. 

There are support groups out for us to deal with us being an A-holes to all that is around us.

But first, we have to look in the mirror and reconize the asshole looking back at us.

Lets look at the 12.......uh..... The 8 steps of

Asshole Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless as assholes - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves (his name is Phil, he say he's going to kick my butt if I don't believe) could restore us to non-asshole status.

3. Realize we are not a donkey with a weird name.

4. Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our assholedom.

5. Made a list of all persons we had been asses to, and became willing to make amends to them all.

6. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
    (Open settings like company meetings, dinner time or during a movie while screaming is a good starting point)

7. Continued to take personal ass inventory and when we are asses and promptly admitted it.

8. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to all assholes and reforming asshole. (We call them the hole-less ones)



If stupid is a disability, I would be a king among...

.....men, very very stupid men, but a King though.

I work at a place where disability is the in-thing to do, where all the popular kids are on disability.  No,no,no, not the real ones like I fallen and I can't get up.

How do I get on disability and be one of the cool kids you ask?

Here are some examples:

Fat camp (yes, I will be the only 35 year old at fat camp)

I got addicted to pixie sticks.

My work wife left me and got a better job.

They blocked youtube at work so I have to stay home.

My make believe tumor is getting in the way of my pretend work.

The toxic mold I grew at work is making me sick.

Have I lost weight? And other delightful cry for attention questions.

Ever been presented with questions like that when you don't even know the person?

Only to have it answered for you by same person, I have.  You are then trapped into pointless conversations about nothing for hours.

Here's how the conversation usually goes:
(names have been change to protect the innocent)

Nacy:  Say...... Have I lost weight.
Victim:  Huh?
Nacy:  Thanks for asking, I have lost weight, I feel great. You know how great I feel?
Victim:  Huh? ...... I meant no.... (tries to run, only to find nacy is much faster)

If you have, you just been a victim of the "cry for help."  Thousands of people daily are victims for this horrible accident waiting to happen.  Let's be smart and avoid.

Here are others pitfalls to avoid:

My blue makeup is great, I know where you can get some.

My belly chain does look good.

Contact lens? Why yes....

I just called.. to say, I am taking a mental day.

You have to sing to the Stevie Wonder song.

Everyone has sick days, usually we call the boss, say "Hey boss, having waaaayyy too much pooptime to come to work today, doesn't look like I'll make it in before it happens again....... UH-OH...... I gotta go, byeeeeeeeee."


But what happen when you have to take a mental day from work?


I imagine this....

What consist of a mental day?

Go to a field and pick flowers with mismatched shoes and socks and a headdress on.

Talk to your imaginery therapist all day.

How do you inform work?

Do you just not show up to work for three days. When you do show up start screaming "but what about the chipmunks" and run away crying when asked what happen.

Do you call and advise the boss the Dr. told you that you will be crazy for about a week and they suggest you take the time off.

 Email pictrues of yourself in your tin foil helmet.

Leave a message with just the following.. "JUST LOOK AT THE PETRI DISH."

What the hell is that, toxic mold?

All of us like to keep certain things in our office to remind us of home, to motivate us, to drive us.


Pictures of the kids...
Mementos from the awesome trip from the past summer....
Awards and achievements...
Office plants...


And then theres the stuff that bring up questions...


Vial Tom Cruise blood in the mini fridge

Pet flying monkeys

Three year old twinkie (hey, I was told they last forever and I am here to proof it)

And then there's..........

growing your own toxic mold.......

complete with a petri dish...

Calling in on days off to say hi to the toxic mold...

Assigning caretakers for the toxic mold...

Made sure Moldie (the toxic mold has a pet name) is getting enough food, water, and rest...

Taking Moldie out on a picnic lunch...

Keeping Moldie warm in its own special box...

Daddy, why is the wicked witch of the west trying to take me away.......

nooo.......... it's just daddy's overly excited super tom cruise worshipping co-worker and she just wants to hold the baby

I took my new baby girl into work a couple of months ago, to mostly show off the baby. (Hey, first baby girl, dont judge me)

One of my co-workers at the office flew over to hold the baby, my little girl........ took a look, and started the crying face....... hence, the wtich...

There are other evidences for this conclusion, lets look at these.....

Exhibit A.   Yes, her face, not green.  BUT, I think she uses the blue eye shadow that reaches down to her cheeks to hide the green under layer.

Exhibit B  No flying monkeys anywhere to be seen,  though she does talk about her daughter getting marry constantly, and I am pretty sure, maybe like 60% sure she does look like a flying monkey. 

Exhibit C  I have never seen her drink water.  Whenever there is an opportunity to share food, she smells it, never eats anything.  NEVER GOES NEAR WATER AND DOESN'T NEED FOOD...............

Exhibit D The last clue, and the most convincing.  The LAUGH, no human laughs like that. 

Can I throw away these hand written phone messages?

A person came by my desk yesterday and showed my a stack of hand written phone messages she had taken down, FOR HERSELF over the last four months and asked if she can throw them away.  The stack was about half a inch thick and written all over.

My answer: blink...., blink......, blink.......  What?

Her: Should I throw these away, I have no need for them?

Me:  blink...... HUH?

She goes on to show me the color code of the system she has........

Me: Why aren't you using the magic box in front of you all the time.  You yell at it and it does what you want.

Her: I am just going to throw them away....... ( walks off)

DEATH STARE (people who used the “STARE” to get things done at work)

Life questions we will never have an answer for people who uses the death stare.

ARE THEY…………?

Looking into your soul til you help me or just really REALLY annoying

Like a bad motorcycle accident, you just can’t look away

A learned skill or is someone just born with it.

HAVE …………………?

Their spouses or family member already blinded themselves

A brain the size of a walnut or are they super genius in disguise of someone with the a brain the size of a walnut

CAN ………………?

They do the death stare indefinitely

They also shoot lasers out of the death stare eyes.

Ponder well friends, ponder well…………..

Please stop the pain, please STOP THE PAIN

Ever have a co-worker who has no clue what-so-ever. 

Like sending out an email so customers can call you instead of them.  This may sound like a whining blog, BUT NO...... This is a solutions blog.

1.  Start calling them different names.  Example: Nancy sure looks like a Jerry, so I will start calling him Jerry from now on..

2.  Headphones: 24/7/365

3.  Have an automatic reply to their automatic reply.  Example:  Nancy is lying, please contact her at her cell or home phone at (XXX) 555-1212